Learning a few things about grief

Today is the 2nd anniversary of Abel's passing. Last year, I learned to grieve as a parent who didn't know what to do with reoccurring grief. This year I learned to grieve in the midst of being a father to a second child. There is still a lot to learn.





A few things I pondered this year as I spent time remembering Abel:

1. The quote from Lord of the Rings kept returning to me the past 5 days - "No parent should have to bury their child" - Theoden. Normally, that would be a very sad thought to dwell on and at times it is, but I also know that Abel is heaven and that I will see him some day. As well, I am comforted that he has been spared all the evils and suffering that comes with this life.
2. Today, I spent some moments at his grave and on his grave marker is the inscription James 4:14 which reads, "How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone." I am reminded that life is short and that I have no control what comes next - much like Abel's life. The reminder has given me renewed determination to be wise with my time and not take it for granted.
3. Mischaela, my 4 1/2 month old, is an absolute joy and she is a beautiful gift to us from God. She has not replaced Abel in any way, but has given me more perspective in the grieving process. Although I know God always has given good gifts, she is a great reminder that in the midst of a world that has been messed up by us humans and sin, God brings good still into this world.
   

Connections

I'm at awe at the way God works. I can't really express it or explain it well, but I can confidently say I understand Romans 8:28 better in light of this past year. It started with choosing Abel's name and how it connected with his birth and weight. It was comforting to know God was giving clues to us that He cared and was with us.

After Abel's memorial service, a friend asked why we read the book of Ecclesiastes to Abel the morning he passed away. I honestly don't know why. God laid the book on Deb's heart and I read it that morning. I think we both knew the essence of the book is about practical (right or wrong) observations about life, and that at the end of the matter, we need to trust God because everything will be revealed at the end.

But just this past week, I finished reading "How to Read the Bible for All Its Worth" by Fee and Stuart. Here is what I read concerning how to read the book of Ecclesiastes:

At issue ultimately in reading Ecclesiastes is to come to trems with the frequently used - and very important - word hebel ("vanity," NRSV; "meaningless," NIV; "futility," NJB), which occurs thirty-seven times in this book (out of the seventy-three of the OT). The word itself means "vapor" or "breath/wisp of air" (cf. Ps. 39:5; Prov. 31:30; Isa 57:13).

God is good.

6 months

Today marks 6 months Abel passed away. We are grateful that we were able to speak about him at our church and share photos with new friends. Thank you for all who are praying for us and supporting us as we continue this journey.

The Joy of Gardening

I think I have found a way to grieve.

One of the lessons we have learned recently is to take joy in life. After Abel passed away, Deborah's mother helped us do some gardening around the house. The previous owners did a wonderful job in planting perennials and we have had the privilege of enjoying the fruits of their labour the past couple of years. However, the gardens have needed some maintenance for some time now and we are glad that Deb's mom likes this kind of work.

In helping her with tidying up the gardens, I grew to enjoy working outside, planting new flowers, and nurturing the existing plants. The act of taking care of plants gave me a contentment and reminds me of the lesson God taught Deb and I about enjoying life.

Here are some pics of our plants. Enjoy!

above: a Ginko tree

Grieving

Grieving is a new process for me - I never had to really grieve before because no one has died that has been close to me. My grandfather on my mother side died before I was born, but the rest of them are still alive. A close family friend died a few years back, but I was away and wasn't able to engage like the rest of the family did.

But since Abel has passed away, grieving with my wife has been eye opening and it has made me more grace-oriented. It is by God's grace that we can grieve and I realized that we need to show that grace to others to help each other grieve.

Our doctor said something that made an impression on me. "You have to grieve. You will either grieve now or grieve later." Although I think I knew that in the back of my head, it was a good statement to take to heart. I think men have this idea that we have to be strong and resist showing tears and publicly grieve. But I think that is just delaying the inevitable and may make the grieving process harder.

The trick is to figure out how to grieve.